Today I finally managed to get my sorry rear end into a Prometric testing center to take the 70-630 exam for MOSS Technology Specialist.
My reasons for waiting so long are complex, and in some ways they are kind of pathetic.
At a basic level, I've just had too much on my plate over the past year. My 2 older kids were getting involved in extracurricular education that required a lot of my time and money. My two youngest are still in diapers, My house is half gutted with renovations. Then I broke my rib and caught some kind of weird bronchitis. On top of just generally being overextended at work, preparing for an exam seems like it would probably have been biting off more than I could chew.
Under the surface, my reasons for procrastinating were more complex, but I think they say volumes about the kind of person that I am. In school, I never needed to study. I was always ahead of everyone else, I always read ahead, and I always tested at the top end of the scale. I was always eager to prove how good I was. So, you might think that in my 30s I would approach test taking in a very similar way.
That's not the case, though. What I realized about myself this week was that I have, over the years, developed a lot of performance anxiety around the concept of taking tests - in spite of the fact that I've never taken any that I did not easily pass. So, I wondered, why might that be?
At some level I think that historically doing well on tests has actually been bad for me. Over my years in high school I was tested early and often for many things. Please don't take what I am about to say as bragging, because I only want to talk about it to highlight the contrast between my actual performance and my feelings.
I took the SATs in seventh grade and scored higher than the average for high school seniors. Years later, my score for the PSAT was the highest in my school - I tied with my friend who died later that year - and qualified for the NMSQT scholarship program. I retook the SAT when I was a senior myself, and with scores alone I could have gotten into many colleges regardless of my GPA. I took the ASVAB test and was literally hounded by military recruiters for months, even though I was considered legally blind. I was given psychological tests, and identified as a high formal thinker. I blew through several AP tests, and got the highest scores possible for both English and history exams.
However, none of these achievements got me much in the way of a tangible reward. Over time, I began to feel that no good deed goes unpunished.
As a seventh grader taking and passing the SAT, I qualified for the Hopkins CTY program, and I even got a nice certificate. But, I never got to participate in CTY, because my family didn't have the money to send me to their summer program. My mom, adding insult to perceived injury, was so ashamed of this fact that she wouldn’t talk to me about it, and later insisted that I'd never actually wanted to go to the program, even though I wanted it more than anything I had ever done or wanted to do up until that point.
As a parent blessed enough to have bright kid, I was overjoyed that my daughter qualified for the same program and that I will have a chance to do for her what my parents' couldn't do for me. But, even making a good living it is expensive. Sarah qualifies for many such expensive opportunities for the gifted, and I was starting to feel strained even before her brother was also recently invited to enter the talent search for CTY. I am starting to understand the dilemma my mother faced, and I think I would've handled it differently and communicated about the problem. I thought she understood me, but looking back I guess she never fully could. I guess I can forgive her for it - finally. But, she passed away about two and a half years ago, so I'll never get a chance to tell her any of this.
Maybe that was what started it all. I had worked hard to pass that exam. I studied all summer for it in my windowless bedroom, learning things about algebra, trig, and English that we had never covered in school. All that work, and what I got amounted to a small pat on the back. Today, CTY has an award cerimony for the kids who take part in the test. I don't know if it existed when I was a kid, but we were less than an hour from Baltimore back then and I think it would've prevented a lot of emotional damage if I'd been able to attend such a thing.
Anyway, that was never really the end of it. As I got older, my grades in school started to slip. My life at home was an emotional mess. I had a difficult relationship with my dad, and he was pretty rough with me. The bigger I got, the more we fought, and the more I did things deliberately to punish my family. Then later I would punish myself for not doing well in school and not doing my homework. To this day, the worst thing that negatively affects my work performance is having to deal with people who have confrontational or combative personalities. A negative encounter with such a person, even for a few short minutes, can turn my entire day into a disaster and leave me falling flat on my face.
I qualified for NMSQT, and I probably could've gotten a scholarship. I can't quite remember it well enough to state it as fact, but I believe that Rob might've actually gotten the Merit scholarship. If so, they sure didn't reallocate it when he was killed in a car accident, and I know that doesn't make any sense, so maybe it went to a person in a different school. I don't know - maybe I just don't want to think anything bad about my friend. He was really one of the few people alive that would understand the importance of what I am writing here today, so it really hurts to be writing this. We were equals in every way, but I wasn't even allowed to say a few kind words about him at his funeral.
My parents were actively discouraged by the school administration, because they said that my grade performance was too much of a factor against me. I guess I wasn't a model student, or the kind of person they thought would be worth investing a little time and energy in helping me prepare for college or get my grades together. Maybe they resented the fact that I could get an A one quarter and then fail the next, and then start working again and get an A, and then fail again - then ace the final and pass the class with a C.
Later I learned that my scores were high enough that there were colleges willing to completely ignore my GPA. Can you believe that? IGNORE my grades. By the time I found this out though it was too late and I would have to pay for my own schooling. The long story short with the SATs was that in the end another five years of school only raised my score about 300 points. I got no help finding a school. Hell, the majority of senior year I didn't even *have* parents and I had to pay for my own food, clothing, and shelter. All I learned is that a smart person can get the same score on the test as they would've if they'd studied by reading a book about quasi-cheating style test taking practices that defeat the way the test is designed, and that you can do this and even go without food and sleep.
All the military tests ever got me was recruiters willing to make false promises to me and tell me that there was some hope that they could use me - at least in the Navy. What a pile of bullshit that turned out to be!
All the psychological tests ever earned me, frankly, was more psychological tests. I started to feel like a pincushion, and I chafed at taking tests. My train was beginning to come off the rails.
AP exams were the only place where I still have an overall good feeling about the tests. They were easy. The essays felt especially easy, where other people seem to hate them. My mom used to say I have "the gift of gab". Just look at my blog; is it any wonder? But even with these, I have the dubious distinction of being the only kid in my school's history to have ever successfully gotten a perfect score on the AP English exam - and an A on the final - and yet still manage to fail senior English. I was in danger of failing history too, and I owe it to my teacher Mr. MacAvoy that I passed. He was the best teacher I ever knew and I owe him a lot that he was willing to spend the time with me to make sure that I could get exposure to the test material even though I read far to slowly from the textbook to ever keep up.
Fast forward past college, where I would routinely CLEP out of classes.
When I started my IT career, tests were also very important in moving ahead. Early Novell and Microsoft certification programs were not what they are today. There was a lot more ink and paper in the process during the nineties. And, they were experimenting with something called adaptive test administration software. In a nutshell the test was designed to sense your weak points and probe at them, almost as if it were trying to make you fail. To the best of my knowledge this testing technique has been either abandoned or very much watered down since then. If so, then I am not surprised, because I found the whole idea to be emotionally traumatic. For me it took my feelings that the world was full of people who would punish me for my talents and secretly wanted me to fail, and it transferred them from people to the test itself. I never forgot that.
After the divorce with Karen, I never updated my contact information with MS or with Novell. Novell certifications became worthless anyway. After she left, I let the rent go on the last two months of our lease, and even let them evict me, steal half my stuff, and throw the rest out on the side of the road. I let this happen even though I took the time to go back and rescue my pet cats. I think that I really did not want any non-living thing to be left that would remind me of that time in my life.
It has been eight years since then.
My attitude about tests is that I expect myself to do very well on them. In fact, I would consider anything less than a 95% to be a personal failure, though I can learn to live with myself for getting above 90%. The extent of my shame is such that I would retake such a test and pay the extra money to do so in order to hide such a score. I will delay taking any test if I do not believe that I can easily achieve a near perfect score. This is who I am - I am such a perfectionist that I consider this to be a great weakness and I am not proud of it.
People who believe that I have a big ego, just because I know my skills and demand fair compensation for them do not have a clue. I push myself harder and demand more from myself than most people alive. It is a blessing and a curse. I am stuck with it, so I might as well make the best of it.
When I started preparing a week ago, I found immediately that there were several gaps in my SharePoint knowledge. In the past week, I invested probably about 8-10 hours making sure I knew what those holes were. Most of my energy was spent in shoring up my biggest weakness - convincing myself that I was ready to take the test.
I guess if you've gotten this far, you are wondering how I did on the test this morning.
I completed the test in under half an hour. I missed two questions out of 51. I'm certain that I know which one at least one of them was, because I had it narrowed down to two possible choices and decided to take a 50/50 guess instead of sitting there for an extra minute or two to think about it. I believe that I probably missed the second one due to not reading the test questions carefully enough; this happens to me on about 1 in 50 questions historically because I have bad eyesight and I tear through the test like a ferret snorting sugar out of a Pixie Stick.
So, now if you are good at math and have taken this test before, you know that my score was 964 out of a thousand. And now the rest of the readers know it too. ;-)
I was disappointed to have not gotten a perfect score. I say this because I thought the test was very easy. I believe that other people - especially young people with no health problems, lots of time to prepare, and no outside responsibilities or commitments to their families - should be able to get a perfect score if they study hard. I also thought that in many, many cases the test would give five choices and three or four of them could be eliminated right off the bat as being patently ridiculous, which was not my experience with practice tests in which the distinctions between choices are much more vague. So, if you have good test taking skills and over prepare for the test, I think you almost can't avoid doing well on it.
And, if me saying this makes you either feel a little frightened to take the test, or more than a little angry at me because you didn't do as well, then I would like to apologize. The truth is that I often feel guilty about that too. I took this test basically because I was forced into it, not because I wanted to compare myself to anyone else. In fact, the last thing I want is to be measured against others, because no matter where I fit into the spectrum I will be miserable both for not being better than I am and for being so much better than so many other people.
And, if you were one of the very fortunate ones who got a perfect score, then I would like to congratulate you for escaping at least one side of that double edged sword.
If you missed one question on the test, I bet your are kicking yourself. I bet you either know exactly which question it was and are really beating yourself up, because you knew it was either C or D and you picked the wrong one. Or, you have no idea which one it was, in which case I am sorry that you'll probably have trouble sleeping tonight. There are few things worse than letting test anxiety creep into your dreams. Either way, let me know who you are, because I owe you a beer.
I know my ten year old daughter has similar feelings of perfectionism, so I think that in the near future I will have to learn how to deal with these. This is a start.
So all said and done and havign gotten all this out of my system, I did about as well as I thought I would. I didn't do as badly as I feared, and I didn't do as well as I hoped I would. I hit it right down the middle, line drive right of center field. Not a home run, but a two-base double. Not half bad!